


i never know what to take for granted with you and pop culture knowledge isnt your internal soundtrack just vivaldi on repeat

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23735785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Karkat can't find Dave.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 37
Kudos: 229





	1. Chapter 1

tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Hello Dave.  
TG: shit  
TG: fuck  
TG: fuck fuck fuck  
TG: rose  
TG: what do you want  
TT: Well this is a hell of a greeting.  
TT: After all we’ve been through together, Dave.  
TT: Is this really how you say hello to your new-found sister slash partner in selfless suicide?  
TG: ugg  
TT: I’m opting to leave out the fact that I am also one of your oldest and dearest friends.  
TT: Tossed in with those other defining aspects of our relationship, it feels somehow... petty.  
TT: But I’ll keep it in reserve to hold over your head if I need to.  
TT: Depending on how this conversation goes.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: can you chill for one second  
TG: i swear nobody i know knows how to chill ever  
TG: except the mayor  
TG: maybe i could get him to teach a class in like  
TG: chill dudeness or something  
TG: get all the new age moms to come to our retreat  
TG: well make bank  
TG: now gwyneth paltrow got blown to pieces somebodys gotta take up her proud mantle  
TT: While I’m sure your particular skill set could find no better use than as the shadowy hand behind a Goop-esque mindfulness retreat, Dave...  
TT: I feel obliged to point out that _you’re_ the one who spouted a stream of profanity at me, in response to a fairly customary friendly greeting.  
TG: what my greetings customary too  
TG: ive just been hangin out with karkat a lot  
TG: thats how that dude says hello  
TG: also goodbye and pretty much all the stuff in the middle too  
TG: like for real  
TG: have you noticed  
TT: It’s hard not to.  
TG: there you go  
TT: So I should expect this to be your usual response to even the mildest of messages from now on?  
TG: naw probably not  
TG: you did actually catch me off guard this time  
TT: Why is that?  
TG: cuz  
TG: im hiding  
TT: ...Hiding?  
TG: yeah hiding  
TG: its real serious top secret shit here  
TG: gotta be totally silent shit  
TG: and i was nailing it as usual  
TG: im pretty much like if a ninja and a mime had a secret love child  
TG: and since they were too ashamed of their forbidden passion they had to send the baby to get raised by monks sworn to a vow of silence  
TT: Until all this Sburb business came to light, that was my exact headcanonned origin story for you.  
TG: yeah cool were on the same page  
TG: except all of a sudden my perfect hiding spot and natural god given or i guess mime given talent for stealth got all blown up by this fuckin text alert from you  
TT: I see.  
TT: You have my sincerest apologies, Dave.  
TG: thanks but its cool  
TG: i think were good i dont think he noticed  
TT: He?  
TG: karkat  
TT: You’re hiding from Karkat?  
TG: yeah thats the thing  
TG: if he hears my phone go off hes for sure gonna know its me  
TG: theres no way i can play that off as like generic clanky meteor sounds.wav  
TT: I take it your text alert sound is easily identifiable.  
TG: its a dubstep mashup of big pimpin and toxic  
TT: Well that could belong to anyone.  
TG: yeah youre right maybe it could maybe im safe  
TG: i bet kanaya has the exact same one  
TT: Ha!  
TG: thats britney spears and jay-z btw  
TT: Yes, Dave. I know.  
TG: shit i donno  
TG: i never know what to take for granted with you and pop culture knowledge  
TG: i mean isnt your internal soundtrack just vivaldi on repeat  
TT: Vivaldi on repeat?  
TG: haha yeah it totally is  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: Dave.  
TG: what  
TT: Do you think “Vivaldi” is the name of a song?  
TG: what no  
TG: of course not  
TT: Of course not...  
TT: So, moving on.  
TT: Am I to understand that that unholy mashup of yours plays every single time you receive a text?  
TG: yeah  
TG: well not now obviously now i got it on silent  
TG: but usually yeah thats right  
TT: ...  
TT: Are you sure Karkat isn’t the one hiding from you?  
TG: naw he loves it  
TT: I find that very difficult to believe.  
TG: anyway he better not be hiding  
TG: its not his turn  
TT: His turn...  
TT: Dave?  
TG: yeah  
TT: Are you...  
TT: Are you playing hide and seek?  
TG: cmon you say that like its a bad thing  
TT: I don’t think I said it like anything of the sort.  
TT: An adorable thing, maybe.  
TG: yeah yeah  
TT: A cute thing.  
TG: shut up  
TT: A precious thing.  
TT: No, wait.  
TG: what  
TT: I think this deserves a special affected speech impediment.  
TT: Dave.  
TG: ?  
TT: This is pwecious.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: its ironic ok  
TT: Are you sure you don't mean iwonic?  
TG: im serious  
TG: like ok ill admit at first it wasnt actually ironic  
TT: That’s quite the admission coming from you.  
TG: yeah thats cuz at first we were playin with the mayor  
TG: and theres nothin ironic bout doin shit for the mayors sake  
TG: thats serious biz rose  
TT: It sure sounds like it.  
TG: yeah and turns out one of the best things you can possibly do for the guy is bust out a game of h and s  
TG: dude fuckin lives for it  
TG: hes also amazing at it hes like 3 feet tall and doesnt talk dudes the ideal hider  
TT: I can only imagine.  
TG: but eventually he got called away on official business to can town  
TT: Oh really?  
TG: yeah  
TG: arson  
TT: Oh no.  
TG: naw its cool he actually orchestrated the whole thing himself  
TG: he likes can town to have a certain element of drama  
TG: keeps the citizens happy  
TG: gives them a little bread and circus you know  
TG: so its cool theres not an actual arsonist among us  
TT: Thank god.  
TG: just a bunch of literal cold blooded alien murderers  
TG: dont get nervous or anything  
TT: I’ve never felt safer.  
TG: yeah me neither  
TT: ...  
TG: so anyway the mayor wanted to handle that particular crisis on his own  
TG: said it was a delicate issue that required a light touch  
TG: so karkat and i decided to just keep playin  
TG: but you know  
TG: ironically  
TT: I see.  
TT: And how long exactly have you been engaged in this purely ironic act of tomfoolery?  
TG: a couple hours  
TT: Right.  
TG: yeah itd be less but karkat really fucking sucks at it  
TG: dudes a total disaster  
TT: Whereas you, on the other hand...  
TG: rose you know im all over this  
TG: im a natural  
TG: im thinkin of goin pro  
TT: That’s wonderful, Dave.  
TG: cmon i dont need this  
TT: What don’t you need?  
TG: all this fake sarcastic bullfuckery  
TG: just go ahead and make fun of me i know you want to  
TT: I want nothing of the sort, Dave.  
TT: In fact, I'm proud of you.  
TG: really  
TG: why  
TG: i mean im pretty great at hide and seek turns out  
TG: i got a 6-0 record goin  
TG: of course thats not as big a win as it sounds  
TG: it is literally impossible to lose to karkat at this game its nothin to write home about  
TT: No, believe it or not I wasn’t referring to your hide and seek prowess.  
TT: As daunting as that record sounds.  
TG: yeah its pretty great  
TT: I just think it’s nice to see you let go and engage in childish things for once.  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: childish  
TT: Yes, Dave.  
TT: I know we’ve both been through quite a lot, both before and during the game, but the fact remains that we are still, by many metrics, children.  
TG: what no no way  
TG: hide and seek can be a mans game  
TG: you just gotta do it with the right amount of irony  
TG: this is serious shit rose hook me up with that bar mitzvah  
TG: get me all up in that quinceanera  
TT: I’m afraid you’re still a few years off from that one.  
TT: Also, Quinceañeras are traditionally reserved for girls.  
TT: It’s quite an interesting subject, actually.  
TG: what is  
TT: The age at which varying earth cultures decided to bestow “adulthood,” particularly when paired with gender, a favorite object of stricture for ancient religions and so-called civilizations.  
TT: I realize the writers of these rules are now somehow even deader than they were before, rendering us free from ever having to adhere to their edicts, but they still do bear some examination.  
TG: wait  
TG: wait  
TG: rose  
TG: sshhhh  
TG: shut up  
TT: ....  
TT: You do realize that I’m not actually talking out loud to you.  
TT: Now that you’ve silenced your phone, my “speaking” has absolutely no bearing on the sanctity of your hiding spot.  
TT: In fact, the only thing likely to make any sound here at all is your rapid button pushing as you frantically insist on my silence.  
TG: what no  
TG: this has nothin to do with hiding  
TT: No?  
TG: naw  
TG: i just remembered this sounds incredibly boring and i dont feel like talking about it  
TT: Wow.  
TG: yeah  
TT: Maybe someday.  
TG: probably not  
TT: We have three whole years to kill here, Dave.  
TT: I have a rather prescient feeling that we will find time to discuss practically everything under the fast-diminishing Green Sun.  
TG: ug rose we got killed by that thing once already  
TG: how bout we cool it with the charming ass text  
TG: we dont owe it shit anymore  
TT: Hmm. Perhaps you're right.  
TT: How's this?  
TT: Blah blah blah... Something something discuss practically everything something the fast-diminishing Green Sun.  
TG: thats better  
TT: And even after that, we’ll still probably have a year or two in reserve for further review.  
TG: yeah you have fun with that  
TG: im gonna be devoting pretty much all my time to honing my craft  
TT: And which of your many crafts might that be?  
TG: i got this ten part nacho party arc goin  
TT: Ah.  
TG: davesprite was gonna pick it up but dude fuckin bailed in favor of boat times with jade and john  
TG: so i guess thats back on me now  
TT: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.  
TG: shit is so heavy  
TT: I suppose you’ll be spending a bit of that time with Karkat, as well.  
TG: well yeah at this rate it looks like im gonna be spendin pretty much the whole three years crouched like an asshole in this fucking cabinet  
TG: i can just see it right now  
TG: his perfectly comically bad seeking technique  
TG: hes prolly like looking under pieces of paper  
TG: inside mugs  
TG: all peepin slowly over the rim of a bathtub while the loony tunes theme plays in the distance  
TT: That is quite the image.  
TT: But it may interest you to know that I know exactly where he is.  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: is he there with you  
TG: or is this some seer bullshit  
TT: It’s neither.  
TT: He texted me.  
TT: Demanding my help in finding you.  
TG: that motherfucker  
TG: hes fucking cheating  
TT: Yes.  
TT: And for the record, I _do_ mean demanding.  
TT: Take a look.  
TT:  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  


CG: ALRIGHT LALONDE  
CG: DROP WHATEVER ASININE SHIT YOU’RE DOING.  
CG: FUCKING KNITTING A HOT LEAF WATER COZY FOR THE ELDRITCH GODS  
CG: OR WHATEVER THE SHIT IT IS YOU GET UP TO IN YOUR SPARE TIME  
CG: WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH ALL TIME FOR ALL OF US NOW.  
CG: SPARE TIME IS ALL WE’VE FUCKING GOT.  
CG: BUT YOU’RE IN FOR A FUCKING TREAT, BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO GIVE YOUR PITIFUL LIFE MEANING AGAIN LALONDE.  
CG: REMEMBER THAT?  
CG: WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HAD SOMETHING WORTHWHILE TO DO WITH YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE?  
CG: PROBABLY NOT.  
CG: BUT I DO.  
CG: AND I’M ABOUT TO BESTOW UPON YOU THE GREAT DIGNITY THAT IS CATCHING A SINGLE WHIFF OF THE IMPORTANCE I EXUDE EVERY DAY.  
TT: Hello, Karkat.  
TT: I cannot wait to hear what this is.  
TT: I’ve flung my knitting clear across the room, so as to give you my full and undivided attention.  
TT: Please, proceed.  
CG: RIGHT  
CG: GOOD  
CG: YOU NEED TO HELP ME FIND DAVE.  
TT: Oh?  
TT: Is he missing?  
CG: KIND OF YEAH  
CG: CAN YOU JUST FUCKING TEXT HIM AND ASK WHERE HE IS?  
CG: ESPECIALLY ASK HIM IF HE’S IN THE CLONING LAB.  
CG: BUT DON’T TELL HIM I ASKED YOU TO!!!!  
CG: GOT IT??  
CG: JUST DO IT CASUALLY AND NORMALLY LIKE YOU LIKE HIM AND CARE ABOUT HIM AND WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE IS OR SOMETHING.  
CG: YOU TWO DO THAT RIGHT?  
TT: We have occasionally been known to do that.  
CG: GREAT. HOP TO IT.  
TT: I can do you one better than that, actually.  
CG: YOU CAN?  
TT: Yes. I’ll just use my twinstinct.  
CG: YOUR FUCKING *WHAT*??  
TT: Twinstinct.  
TT: It’s a rare but highly prized bond between human siblings born at the same time, such as Dave and me.  
CG: THERE’S NO WAY THAT’S REAL.  
TT: Even some humans share your sentiment, I’m sorry to say.  
TT: But I assure you it is quite real.  
TT: It’s a special, unbreakable bond forged in the womb.  
TT: Or, in our case, in the ectobiological slime from which we both simultaneously emerged.  
CG: THAT’S DISGUSTING.  
TT: Be that as it may, you may be able to use it to your advantage.  
CG: OK  
CG: EUUGH  
CG: FINE  
CG: GO AHEAD.  
CG: WORK YOUR NASTY TWINCEST MAGIC.  
TT: Oh my god.  
CG: WHAT  
TT: It’s twin _stinct_.  
CG: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF IT’S TWINBULGESUCKAPALOOZA!  
CG: JUST FUCKING DO IT ALREADY!!  
TT: Alright.  
TT: I need to enter into my psychic twinstate.  
TT: This may take several hours.  
CG: OH MY GOD  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER!  
CG: I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!  
CG: I’LL FIND HIM ON MY OWN!  
CG: FEEL FREE TO CHIME THE FUCK BACK IN IF YOUR EYES EVER ROLL BACK TO THE FRONT OF YOUR HEAD AND YOU FEEL LIKE BEING USEFUL.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: ahahahahahahha  
TT: You know, I was somewhat baffled when you two started spending time together.  
TT: But now I think I see the appeal.  
TT: With charm like that, how can you possibly resist?  
TG: naw karkats cool once you get to know him  
TG: he just takes a little buttering up is all  
TT: And I take it you’ve more sufficiently... buttered him than I have?  
TG: yeah he doesnt really talk to me like that anymore  
TG: at least not most of the time  
TG: and when he does i know it doesnt mean anything  
TG: dudes got a lotta real transparent bravado and pissed offedness to get out  
TG: hes like a gas mine hes gotta burn off a certain amount every day or hell literally explode in a cloud of frustration and turtlenecks  
TT: I see.  
TG: hes totally harmless and a lotta fun to hang out with once you get past the part where hes ranting at you til he loses his balance and falls over  
TG: which is where you are right now  
TG: youre firmly in the rant zone rose  
TG: its tough at first but you just gotta ride it  
TG: ride it like youre the gnarliest 40 year old surf bro with a bald patch and alimony payments  
TG: eventually youre gonna catch the perfect wave  
TG: and then your ex wife and ex boss and everybody will finally respect you  
TG: and youll be one with the mother ocean or whatever  
TG: except in this case the ocean is gettin occasionally bitched to hell and back by an apoplectic bug napoleon  
TG: honestly once you get used to it its a lot of fun  
TT: ...  
TT: I see.  
TT: Just to clarify...  
TT: You said you’re hiding in a _cabinet_?  
TG: yeah  
TT: Pity.  
TG: what is  
TT: Nothing, just some psychological low-hanging fruit.  
TT: Honestly it would have been beneath me to pick it.  
TG: what the fuck  
TT: It’s nothing.  
TT: Truly.  
TG: ok  
TG: cool  
TG: wait shit youre not actually gonna tell him where i am are you  
TG: what about all that twinstinct bullshit rose  
TG: we came outta the same nasty slime you cant do me like that  
TT: No, Dave.  
TT: I wouldn’t dream of _doing you like that._  
TG: ok good  
TT: I wouldn't even know which cabinet to direct him to.  
TG: right  
TG: cool  
TG: oh fuck  
TG: wait  
TG: wait  
TT: Dave, this mode of subject change is even less effective the second time.  
TG: no im not bullshitting you this time  
TG: hes actually out there  
TG: i can hear him stompin around  
TG: rose if i find out you blew up my spot im tellin the mayor it was you who set the library on fire  
TG: youre goin the fuck down  
TT: I thought you said he set that fire himself.  
TG: yeah but the can citizens love a good trial  
TG: youll be stuck in court for months rose youll be drowning in legal fees  
TT: Well I can’t have that.  
TT: It wasn’t me, Dave. You have my word.  
TG: fuck hes closer  
TG: do trolls have super hearing or just normal weird legolas ears  
TT: I haven’t noticed any particular Legolas qualities off-hand, but that might warrant some experimentation.  
TG: im not runnin any experiments now im not sacrificing my perfect score for science are you kidding me  
TT: Science will just have to wait.  
TG: yeah what did science ever do for us  
TT: Brought peace.  
TG: what  
TT: The Life of Brian.  
TG: who  
TT: Really, Dave?  
TG: wow i dont need your weird impenetrable wikipedia philosophy references right now rose  
TG: hes closer i can hear his constant stream of profanity he doesnt even realize hes doin under his breath  
TG: and i dont even have legolas ears  
TG: just regular  
TG: like  
TG: aragorn ears  
TT: Aragorn ears are nothing to be ashamed of.  
TG: yeah i know aragorn was the shit  
TG: ok im gonna actually go  
TG: this is gettin way too risky  
TT: Goodbye Dave.  
TT: Godspeed.  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat finds Dave.

DAVE: sup  
KARKAT: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCK!!!!  
DAVE: found you dude  
KARKAT: WHAT????  
KARKAT: NO!!  
DAVE: pretty sure i did  
KARKAT: YOU DIDN'T FIND SHIT!  
KARKAT: *I* FOUND **YOU!!!!**  
DAVE: nope wrong im the one lookin for you  
DAVE: dont you remember  
KARKAT: AUUUUGHH!!!!!  
DAVE: shit if you cant master the rules to hide and seek we got serious problems  
DAVE: actual babies play this game bro they are its key demographic  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING ASS GOBLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: its cool i can explain it again if you want i got nothin else goin on  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: SON OF A DICK WEASEL, STRIDER!  
KARKAT: I DON’T NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN SHIT TO ME!  
KARKAT: THERE'S NOTHING TO FUCKING EXPLAIN!  
KARKAT: BESIDES I’M PRETTY SURE YOU COULDN’T EXPLAIN FUCK ALL TO THE KING OF FUCK ALL!!!  
DAVE: ahaha  
KARKAT: WHILE HE SAT ON HIS THRONE OF THE FUCK ALLS OF HIS CONQUERED ENEMIES!  
KARKAT: YOU’D STILL MANAGE TO FUCK IT ALL UP TO COCK SHIT AND BACK!!!!  
DAVE: oh my god dude  
DAVE: thats incredible  
DAVE: im so drawing that after were done here  
KARKAT: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE CHANGE THE SUBJECT!  
DAVE: dude youre the one started worldbuilding the goddamn kingdom of fuckall like some kinda insane dnd master with anger issues  
DAVE: thats not on me  
KARKAT: I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU!  
KARKAT: *I* WAS THE *GODDAMN* SEEKER!  
DAVE: nope wrong as usual dude  
DAVE: i been seekin my little heart out for you this whole time  
DAVE: took me a while actually  
DAVE: pretty sure this is a new record for you bro nice job  
KARKAT: AUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
DAVE: youre showin real improvement man youre up to a solid c minus dont go diminishing your accomplishments  
KARKAT: IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME, WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE CURSED MEMORY OF MY HEMORRHAGED PATIENCE BLADDER ARE YOU DOING TUCKED AWAY IN A FUCKING METAL STORAGE CARTON????  
DAVE: easy  
DAVE: i was drawin you out  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK  
DAVE: its an advanced technique  
DAVE: its cool if you havent heard about it i know youre still on the basic shit  
DAVE: i can send you some of the latest literature on the subject if you wanna start schoolin yourself  
DAVE: its all blogs  
DAVE: and theyre all written by me under a bunch of different pseudonyms  
DAVE: thats right im actually hidersdigest and seekchad69 bet you never saw that one comin  
KARKAT: SON OF A FUCKING...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: uh oh  
KARKAT: ... ... ...  
DAVE: oh shit dude  
DAVE: is this it  
DAVE: you gonna fall over bro  
KARKAT: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: is it cuz you run out of air or is it more like an inner ear thing  
KARKAT: I AM *NOT* FALLING OVER!  
KARKAT: FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCK!  
DAVE: yeah lets see it  
KARKAT: I’M *NOT!!!*  
KARKAT: THAT WAS *ONE TIME!!*  
DAVE: one awesome time  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA DO INSTEAD, DAVE? INSTEAD OF FALLING OVER???  
DAVE: hell yeah i do  
DAVE: i wanna see where this is goin next  
KARKAT: *I* AM GOING TO GO *HIDE.*  
KARKAT: BECAUSE IT IS *MY* FUCKING *TURN.*  
KARKAT: I’M GONNA PACK UP MY BRAND SPANKING NEW WIN  
KARKAT: I’M GONNA COO LOVINGLY AND NURTURINGLY AT IT LIKE A GODDAMN SQUAWKBEAST  
KARKAT: AND I AM GONNA GO HIDE WITH IT.  
KARKAT: AND MY WIN AND I ARE GONNA GET GOOD AND FUCKING COMFORTABLE, BECAUSE IT’S GONNA TAKE YOU FOR FUCKING EVER TO FIND US.  
DAVE: cool have fun  
DAVE: see you under the kitchen table in ten  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK!!!  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT-  
KARKAT: AUUUGH!!!!!  
DAVE: get movin my 7 wins and i gotta start countin  
KARKAT: IT’S FUCKING 6!!!!  
DAVE: no actually were already up to 21  
KARKAT: 21????  
DAVE: 22  
DAVE: 23  
DAVE: 24  
DAVE: better get hidin bro  
KARKAT: SHIT  
KARKAT: FUCK  
DAVE: 28  
DAVE: 29  
KARKAT: FUCK FUCK FUCK  
DAVE: 30  



End file.
